Lately its been hard.

I've found myself feeling a bit down.  I know I know, everyone has told me, admonished me, etc. Why are you sad, they ask.  You're getting married!  They've told me that they have more reason to be sad, since at least I have someone that loves me and that I love more than anything.  They're right, of course, and it makes me feel incredibly selfish to feel this way.  Why should I be sad when I have so much to be happy for?

I am happy of course that I found Ben, that he's such a wonderful man, and that the process of the visa is going well so far, that when he returns we will finally be joined forever.  But I can't turn off the fact that I miss him.

And why should I have to feel bad about that?  Missing someone, feeling sad that they aren't around, isn't that a normal part of being human?  No one scolds an army wife for painfully missing her husband when he is deployed, no one downplays a child's tears when they miss their mother at daycare, just because they each will 'see them again'.  So why shouldn't I miss him?

I miss hearing him laugh at funny things he reads or sees on TV.  I miss the way he holds me, enveloping me with his love without saying a word when I'm cooking dinner. I miss the way he looks at the chessboard when I make a move that actually makes him consider what to do instead of beating me outright.  I miss the way we talk and laugh at things we see when we are out driving.  I miss the sound of that beautiful heart beating as I drift off to sleep.

I know this wait is nothing compared to the lifetime we will have together, God willing.  I know that when we are together again, we will be in for the happiest times of our lives.  Knowing him, having his love and giving him mine, they fill me with indescribable joy.  But I can't turn off the longing I have for him when he is not here, and I wouldn't want to.  For even though it hurts not being with him, if I didn't miss him it would mean I didn't care.

So I will miss him, I will sit alone and listen to music which echoes the longing and love in my heart, and I will cry.  I will dread going to my empty bed to sleep, but I will endure, because each night I will go to sleep without him makes it another day closer to the time when we will be together again.

And then these months of pain and longing will just be a drop in the bucket to the years of joy and love we will have <3